Crush-less

Ever since the day that I've moved on my from long time crushes, it seems like I can't have the same kind of crush with other guys. I mean, okay, I like them but it's just short termed. It wouldn't last that long.

And now, I feel so lifeless. I don't have anyone to stalk anymore. I don't have anyone who will make me feel giddy anymore. But maybe the good thing is, I don't have anyone to break my heart (without his prior knowledge) anymore.

I tried to find a guy whom I can have a long term crush but they just all come and go. The moment they start not showing up and/or the moment they don't make things to make me feel special anymore, that's when my light feelings fade.

But still. they would have an effect on me but not that severe anymore. I'll just feel a little, just the tiniest bit of intimidation. And a little bit of kilig.

Sometimes, I feign the kilig when I have a short interaction with a light crush of mine just so I can feel kilig with real people and not just with romantic dramas or novels.

It's also not a help that my celebrity crushes don't have the same effect on me anymore. Maybe it's because I don't spazz them that much.

For my penguin Luke Hemmings, maybe that one factor for the degression of my feelings for him is that he's now dating somebody. That 0.000000000001% hope of mine has gone to flat 0%. I know that he's just my fantasy but every fangirl dreams of having their bias to be their destiny.

Perhaps the problem just lies on me and my high standards. I don't know. The moment I've became a fangirl, the moment I've read romantic novels with leading men to gush over, my standard just went up like that.

I'm now looking for a guy who doesn't exists. 

Who am I anyway? What right do I have to be this choosy? I am just a plain Jane. A nobody. A girl who's out of the radar of those guys whom I want.

I am just blinded by my hopeless imagination.

So, before this post gets more dramatic, I am now ending it.
Yeah, I am crush-less. I am hopeless. But atleast I'm not someone who's going for anyone just to be not left behind.

Everything Happens for a Reason -- DOST Scholarship

Weeks passed by since the result of the DOST scholarship exam came out. I have already absorbed that fact and I have already accepted it.

It was during our class in EDP when a group from media interrupted our class and asked for me. They asked for an interview. Ohmygoodness.

That day, unluckily, was the day I didn't exert an effort to look good. I mean, I got a messy and unruly hair that day and I didn't even combed my hair when I put it on a ponytail on the side.

That was just a short interview though. But still, it was embarrassing for me. I am not used to be the one talking more in a conversation. I am more of a listener than a speaker.

Also, they filmed me during my class like ajhdjhfuhgkagk. How can I be able to concentrate on the activity I'm doing? Feeeeerk, that was so intimidating. I am sooo conscious with my actions. My hands were extra shaking like hell.

But after that, I've realized something-- that maybe the reason why I didn't pass the exam on my first try is that there is something more than just merely passing the exam. That there is this recognition that I will have. That this is the thing I deserve. That for once in my life, I deserve to have a recognition where more people will know about it. Where my achievement is something worthy to be news about.

Even though how happy I was about that recognition, about that interview, I didn't have the guts to share the world that I had the chance to be interviewed. I didn't even tell it to my family. Hahaha.

The Result I Dread to Know

It was July when I took the exam for the DOST scholarship. After about two months of waiting, the result has finally arrived.

September 15, 2015. How can I ever forget this day? It consisted of two events. First, it's the day wherein we had our annual Solidarity Night then second, the out-of-the-blue result day.

I want to share things about our Solidarity Night but since it's not the main topic in here, I will just skip on it.

So, after our Solidarity Night, I arrived at our house at around 10PM. Since I got pictures in my tablet, I decided to upload them right away even though I know that our internet connection is like a turtle.

I was then scrolling my news feed when a chat popped out. It was a message from a 4th yr, same course.

Her message consists of a link. Just by the name of the link, I already knew that it was about the result.

My heart was already pounding so hard, my hands were shaking more than ever.

I waited for the document to be downloaded. And when it was done downloading, I immediately went to my mother.

The door to their room was locked so I knocked and knocked. I can still hear their TV on so I assumed that she's still awake despite the time. I can't recall the exact time but I'm sure that it must be around 11PM.

I was so afraid to scroll and to check if my name was included in the list. I wanted to have my mother be the one to check it but I didn't fight the urge to check my name myself.

Since my last name starts with letter N, I was stocked on the last names starting with letter M. I was really nervous. And when I had the courage, I scrolled it more and I was sooooo shocked to see my last name. I still had to check if that last name had my first name. There could be someone who shares the same last name that also took the exam.

And when I saw my name, my freakin' whole name, that's the time that my mother opened the door.

I got mixed emotions that time.

I was happy that my mother was sooo proud and glad that for the second try, I've already passed the exam. But at the same time, I felt nervous. Teaching career, here I come.

Even though I am not still in favor of the ROS, I just can't refuse to accept the scholarship. I've disappointed my mother enough, it's time to fulfill one of her dreams for me.

Maybe there will come a time that I will be able to love my teaching career. Someday ... Somehow ...