Crush-less

Ever since the day that I've moved on my from long time crushes, it seems like I can't have the same kind of crush with other guys. I mean, okay, I like them but it's just short termed. It wouldn't last that long.

And now, I feel so lifeless. I don't have anyone to stalk anymore. I don't have anyone who will make me feel giddy anymore. But maybe the good thing is, I don't have anyone to break my heart (without his prior knowledge) anymore.

I tried to find a guy whom I can have a long term crush but they just all come and go. The moment they start not showing up and/or the moment they don't make things to make me feel special anymore, that's when my light feelings fade.

But still. they would have an effect on me but not that severe anymore. I'll just feel a little, just the tiniest bit of intimidation. And a little bit of kilig.

Sometimes, I feign the kilig when I have a short interaction with a light crush of mine just so I can feel kilig with real people and not just with romantic dramas or novels.

It's also not a help that my celebrity crushes don't have the same effect on me anymore. Maybe it's because I don't spazz them that much.

For my penguin Luke Hemmings, maybe that one factor for the degression of my feelings for him is that he's now dating somebody. That 0.000000000001% hope of mine has gone to flat 0%. I know that he's just my fantasy but every fangirl dreams of having their bias to be their destiny.

Perhaps the problem just lies on me and my high standards. I don't know. The moment I've became a fangirl, the moment I've read romantic novels with leading men to gush over, my standard just went up like that.

I'm now looking for a guy who doesn't exists. 

Who am I anyway? What right do I have to be this choosy? I am just a plain Jane. A nobody. A girl who's out of the radar of those guys whom I want.

I am just blinded by my hopeless imagination.

So, before this post gets more dramatic, I am now ending it.
Yeah, I am crush-less. I am hopeless. But atleast I'm not someone who's going for anyone just to be not left behind.