Pabebe, not

Pabebe [adj], pacute, pababy, pademure

If someone calls you pabebe, would you like it? I doubt.

It all started when … actually, I really can’t recall. When was the first time that someone called me pabebe? All I know is that the last time I was called one, that was just awhile ago.

I just refused to do something and they call me that. Wow. How come I was called one when I only refused to participate in a friggin’ game?

The thing is, I really hate being called pabebe. It gives me a negative vibe. Pabebe for me is when you’re acting childish and acting cute. I don’t (and never) want to be tagged as childish and pacute. I want to be tagged as someone strong and independent, someone that ain’t a damsel in distress and needs no saving.

Although yes, I admit that my voice is the main culprit as to why I was called pabebe because it’s high-pitched. But hey, I don’t have a control over the pitch of my voice. I even try to lower my pitch, and that’s a pain in the throat to be honest. And, well, sometimes it’s really the way I talk. Especially when I talk slow. But I don’t do that on purpose. That’s just the way it is.

I also admit that it must be the way I move. Sometimes I move so slow and that I tend to move in a demure kind of way, like, I pay attention to all the details and it makes me so slow. That’s just me being extra careful, I guess.

Or perhaps it’s the way I dress. They say I dress in a feminine way but I say not always. I use my black laced-up boots to channel my inner Kendall Jenner and be badass. I wear my denim jacket and tie it on my waist if the weather becomes hot, and denim jacket, I believe, screams edgy. I dress depending on my mood and on what the event calls for. But it’s mainly on what I feel like wearing. It all depends on me being confident and bold or me being laid back and lazy.

So, I really ain’t a pabebe in purpose. I don’t do pa-cute in purpose. Because as I’ve said, that is not the kind of me that I want people to see in me.

Thought ...

I hope people will also adjust for me.

December feels

Hola!
Again, it's been a while since the last time I checked this blog. I'm really busy with a lot of stuff, mostly, with nonsense stuff. Lol.

The countdown for Christmas has long began but I can't seem to feel the nearing Christmas or the Christmas season.
Yes, I'm seeing Christmas lights, Christmas trees, and big star decorations but it feels nothing.

Maybe because it's not that cold. Christmas is known for its cold breeze.
Or maybe it's just my mood for this particular moment. I have moments like this. Moments where I'm emotionless, where everything or anything doesn't faze me that much.
Or another maybe, it's because of the long list I have to do this Christmas "break."

But then again, of course, I'll always remember what Christmas is for, of what we are celebrating for. How can we forget if it even contains in its name itself, right? CHRISTmas, the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. (I remember that this part is somewhat mentioned in my Christmas entry in our school blog.)

Unrequited. [haiku]

It has always been like this

Unrequited love

Where’s the man who’ll love me back?

Be-You-tiful

Upon roaming around malls and public places, I would always see girls who are so classy, so sophisticated, those you might think that came out from the television screen or magazine page.

With those sight, I can’t help but to look in the mirror and compare my appearance with them. Just like that, my self-confidence would plummet down to the deepest core of the earth.

Based on my observation, (I repeat, this is just my observation, this is my opinion. You can have different views.) most guys would go for girls with pearl-white complexion, those who have their eyebrows on fleek, those who are covered with make-up (can be full or can be a no makeup make-up look), those with salon-treated hair (can be permed, straightened, colored) and those who dress to kill.

To be honest, I wanted to be one of those girls. I’d tried whitening soaps and lotions but the results were barely seen. I’d went to the salon to get my hair straightened (because I have curly hair). For the make-up part, well, I use lip balm to soothe my chappy lips plus loose powder to get rid of the oiliness of my face. And for the dressing part, I really cannot wear something a fashionista would wear because 1) I don’t have money to buy pieces to make me look chic, 2) Even though I have fashionable pieces, I don’t have the confidence to wear them out, and 3) I can’t rock those outfit, the effect would not be the same if I were the one to put those pieces on.

The bottom line? I cannot be like them.

But why do I really want to be just like them? Did I really want it? Or did I just want to fit in the world? To feel that I belong in the higher cluster of people? To avoid having judgments from the prying eyes of the society?

Yes, I do have a lot of imperfections and flaws.

Yes, I am not like those girls. (And never will be.)

But what can I do? One thing—to be just myself.

Each and every one of us leads different lives. Each and every one of us differs in a lot of ways. Twins also have differences, you know.

But yes, sometimes, we cannot help but to feel insecure. There are moments where all we can see are our flaws and imperfections while we see the best in other people.

To tell you, there would always be the better one in our eyes. There would always be that one or a group of girls who will make you uncomfortable in your own skin. But we need to fight that feeling. We need to remove that thought.

We must embrace our flaws. Love them. Flaunt them.
Your flaws can even be your greatest assets. Your scars can even take you to greater heights.

No more “I need to be like them so the society will accept me.” Be a “I am me, I don’t give a damn about what other people might say to me.”

Because in the end, people will always have something to say about you. Why not be somebody who you really are? If people are saying things about you, atleast you know that it’s you and know that you can’t please everyone to like you.

Be a real diamond in amidst of all those fake shining stones.

Be you. Be beautiful in your own way.

The Guy at the Coffee Shop

Note: Just to be clear, this is not a short story. I decided to use "the guy at the coffee shop" because it somewhat covers the whole happenings in my dream last night. Yes, a dream.

I apologize if this is becoming a dream diary.

It has been almost three years when I said goodbye to the feelings I felt for him. I don't think about him anymore. I didn't even think of him before I went to sleep. It was a pure random activity of my brain.

So, who was this guy? He was one of my crushes when I was in high school.

The setting was in a coffee shop. Now you get why the title's like that.

The weird thing is, I was with my mom. We were talking about something. By something, I think it was about my internship.

And just like that, the coffee shop's door opened, revealing the person who dared to entered.

I guess slow motion applies in dreamland because when I set my eyes on that person, he was walking in  a slow mo effect. And when he met my gaze, he smiled immediately like as if we're friends.

He joined in our table and we couldn't say no. He was smiling like crazy and I don't know why. I think my respiratory system dysfunction-ed for awhile because I found myself catching my breath several seconds after.

My mom reached for her phone then she infinitely scrolled her feed to check on her friends online. In my opinion, it was as if she given me space to catch up with my "friend."

So he tried to start the conversation. He was a natural. I didn't feel any awkwardness at all. He was even trying to have physical contact with me. (i.e., his feet having contact with my feet)

Suddenly, he reached for his phone. I thought he was about to leave or he was about to check social media and leave the conversation but instead, he said he wanted to take a picture of me.

I was like "ohmygoodness no I look ugly staph."

I was trying to cover my face.

He stopped and we continued to chat.

The other parts are actually hard to narrate for they're already cloudy but I can remember this short scene where I was ranting about how horrible that one person is and to my horror, I saw the person I was talking about in the table next to us. I immediately stuffed my mouth with food.

I looked at him and he was grinning. And with that grin, I think my heart did a mini somersault.

I excused myself to go to the restroom.

When I got back, I don't know how it went to the scene where he was behind me.

He asked me go get his phone. He even let me explore his phone like he was willing to show his all to me.

There was also a time where he was so close, it was like he was back hugging me. I can still remember how the butterflies rumbled in my stomach.

If my memory serves me right, I think he even gave me a necklace. I can't remember what the pendant is.

Unfortunately, my mom and I needed to go to the university where I'll be having my internship. We bid goodbye and said that we'll see each other again.

After settling things with the university, my mom and I went back to the coffee shop but he was gone. I was expecting him to be there but he wasn't.

Then I heard an unending buzzing sound. That was when I realized that it was my phone and my aunt was calling me.

Upon waking up and reminiscing that dream, I suddenly asked, "what was that?"

It was really random and I don't know if it has any meaning behind that. But I also felt this strong want to be his friend.

Well, that's clearly impossible. I don't think there is something that can make us click and I don't think that we'll have our moment together because we rarely see each other and it's not like we acknowledge one other when we randomly see each other somewhere.

I like to think that it was just my brain doing some throwback and making up scenes.

Dear Change,

You're the only permanent thing in the world and I am not sure if everybody is so pleased with that fact.

But I have this friend who is so much afraid of you. She wants it constant, just the same. She fears that if there will be change, she wouldn't be able to cope, to adapt.

Everything changes, yes, I believe. Because I am also changing. I just don't know if I'm changing for the better or for the worse. And that is the problem with you, change. We don't know if we're going to be better or be worse. Although I know that it's also up to us, the aftermath of our actions and decisions is what we are going to face. You are the aftermath of our actions, decisions, and experiences.

And suddenly, I formulated this question in my head.

Why is there a need for change?

Phone models are changing and upgrading. Our TVs from those bulky ones to just flat screens. There is also climate change.

What if we all live just the same in the beginning?

Then I realized that if there is no you, there will be no growth for us. Not just growth in physicality but also in our core.

For example. If that one quiet girl in class didn't made a change, she'll just be the same quiet girl who doesn't voice out her feelings, opinions, and ideas. She'll all keep them to herself.

As to speak in Physics, the law of inertia states that a body at rest tends to remain at rest and a body in constant motion tends to remain in constant motion unless acted upon by a net force. And you are the net force, change.

Because there is you, that girl learned to speak out her mind. Who would have thought that her ambition is to actually become a lawyer? As we all know, lawyers are great speakers. For if they are not, they wouldn't be able to defend their side. They wouldn't became an effective one.

But we cannot also deny the fact that some people have lost their track because of some changes. For example, a child which his or her parents had divorced. That child became a rebel, tried drugs and other vices, dropped school and never had to reach his or her dream. It is indeed a very tragic thing but you're the only constant thing right? So I'm just hoping that you will come again into their lives and change them into better people.

You are indeed some powerful thing. You can make one person bad or good.


But please my dear change, I hope you transform me, not into better, but to the BEST version of myself.